At what point do you throw in the towel?

This is not going to be the most positive of posts - sometimes reality is not positive. When I began this blog, I said it would be an overview of my ride with positive affirmations and with the Law of Attraction (LOA). Sometimes that ride is not pleasant.

I started grasping at the positive pull of life 17 years ago. It was 6 years ago that I began studying LOA and 5 years ago that my life truly changed me into the life-affirming person I am today.

Now - don't get me wrong. I am VERY glad I am so positive and that I am happy and I owe that to things like affirmations and the tiny results I have seen of LOA working.

But I must ask - at what point might one ask - is this all a bunch of bunk?

What do I mean?

Well, I see that the LOA works - both in positive and negative ways. Obviously the law is just working, but still the outcome is either positive or negative.

I have now been working toward 2 very important goals for 5 years within that positive LOA frame of mind. 5 years. And I feel as though I am no closer to achieving them - in fact I feel further away. The LOA gurus tell us - "Keep going, even when it seems like nothing is happening. If you let go of that dream before it is fulfilled, it won't happen."

At times like today, I begin to wonder if that is just mumbo-jumbo. Just like religious people who tell you that when hell happens that you will be rewarded on the other side - it doesn't mean it is true, but is said to make you feel better.

These two goals are so important to me, they are not ones I can let go - I want them in my life. But  at times like these, I begin to think that hope is a bad thing.

You hope.

And you hope.

And you work with the universe.

And you follow its guidance.

And you know.

And you know.

And one day you look at how long you have been working on that hope and 'know'ing and wonder...what is wrong?

I still am no closer to either goal. Yes, I'm happier, but to be honest? I'm not sure that is a positive at this point. When you are unhappy and things don't happen, you expect it. You say that is the way it is and just grumble along. When you are happy and believe and things continue to NOT HAPPEN, you re-energize your positivity, focus and believe and believe and things continue not to happen. One day you look and wonder:

What the fuck is wrong? Is it just me? Or is the LOA just a big lie? I mean, I know it isn't - I have seen it work in my life too often...but why is it that those two goals have not been achieved?

Now, before you say "well, by saying that, the universe is just giving you what you expect", I have expected these two goals for a very long time. I believed, planned for, worked for, lived emotionally within.

But at some point you have to take a hard look at things and realize - something is not working.

Today I try to look at my intention board and cards and all I can see is what I do not have, what refuses to come to me.

If you believe in the LOA, which I do, one must look within and think - the problem is within me. I have more blocks to clear; maybe I am not clear enough; or any other excuse you want to come up with. At some point I ask...Am I so fucking broken that I can never be fixed enough to reach my goals?

Or maybe today is just a low day emotion wise and tomorrow I won't feel so badly about it.

I feel at the end of my tether. 5 years is a long time to work toward two such simple goals and have nothing to show for it. Was it just a waste of five precious years? And yet, without those two goals, would life even be worth it? Yes, they are that important.

I do not know what the answer is. I feel like I did back before 2003 when my religious leaders told me that god hated me and that I had a lot of work to do before he would accept me. I left that pitiful religion and god behind...but once again feel it with the universe. Am I not good enough to get what I truly want above all things?

And now I am going to curl up in bed and ignore the world for awhile. After all, there is only so much a person can do before they just cannot do any more.