Day 29 of #40Days of Meditation

Well, I can definitely tell you that meditation brings about all sorts of amazing changes. It brought a long-lost friend back into my life. It brought about my focus on I Am Love. It has reawakened my chakras (most of them) and aligned them. And it's brought about a calmer, less New Moon addled person.

So last night, I decided since I now know what it feels like to have my Ajna chakra open, that while meditating I would check on my other chakras and see how open they are. I was pleasantly surprised and thrilled to realize that of the 7 main chakras, 5 are open and active and 1 is partially open. The one that is not open and feels blank when I work with it is the Anahata, the heart chakra.

This doesn't surprise me at all. As a child, to protect myelf from hurt, I shut it down - obviously not consciously, but the result is the same. My entire adult life I've struggled with even the concept of "love" at times. In my twenties, I thought love was the world's worst 4-letter word. Because to me, love meant someone would hurt me, harm me, make fun of me. That was what 'love' meant in my family. First they'd harm you and then they'd tell you it was for your own good. So yeah, I've cut myself off from love for a very long time.

But over the last few years, my desire for 'love' has increased. I'm not sure where I lost my disgust of the word as that was years ago. And when I say "I Am Love" I feel good and present and calm. But I still have much to learn and I'm asking the divine for its help in opening the Anahata chakra. I have the feeling when that happens, amazing things are going to flow even faster than they have been doing lately. And I am at peace with it.

So in the realm of wanting to love more, I've started thinking in terms of "how would I respond from love." Notice not "with love" but "from love" as I think its a less egoic spot. If you respond "with" love, there can also be all sorts of other reasons behind what you are saying or doing. But if you respond "from" love, love is all there is.

So, of course, when you ask the divine for help, it might take your issue away directly or it might give you a way to help yourself - which I think is predicated on where you are with the issue and love. I got two premises morning. First, keep in mind, my thoughts are on the teachings from A Return to Love and how we need to let go of the ego and respond from love. Since ego has been running the ship for decades, it's a learning experience to overcome that. So...a thought popped into my head of people who argue about a woman breastfeeding in public. I've always been somewhat negative toward the concept. Which I think has to do with my heart chakra being closed and my disbelief in love - after all, how can a person who doesn't believe in love look at the ultimate loving act of a mother feeding her child and not feel bad? But as I thought about this, I kept wondering "How would I respond to this from a love standpoint?" I came up with all sorts of egoic and logical responses, but nothing that sounded like it was "from love" so I'm working on that.

And the other thing. I live on a street that is really thin. If one car parks on one side of the street and another car parks on another side of the street, good luck at getting between the cars. A duplex two houses up keeps having garage sales. Now it isn't that they have tons of junk in their house and want to sell it. No. It's that this is being used as a business which is illegal. (And if you aren't looking for it, that is a judgmental, egoic standpoint.) So the people who come to the garage sale park haphazardly, leaving no room to get by, leave their doors open, and otherwise make the street impassable. So again, the question "How can I respond to this From Love?" I've tried so far because logically I know that if I'm coming at this from a place of love, that they aren't doing this to bother us, though that is the end result. So what reaction 'should' I have?

And there's the crux of the matter. And something an angel pointed out to me last night. I have a serious issue with perfectionism. And it has nothing to do with "getting things right." It's far more complex than that. It's more that "If I don't get it right, I'm a failure. If I don't get it right, someone's gonna die. If I don't get it right, the world will fail." This is so rooted that I was taking a course once on becoming a travel agent. I took a test and got a 96% and to me? I flunked. I failed. I slumped into depression and ended up quitting the course.

And I understand where the perfectionism came from. When a child is abused, they develop a "as long as I do this perfectly, I won't get  hurt" hope. And when that doesn't work, they haven't done it 'good enough' and keep trying harder and harder and... harder. And if not stopped, it bleeds into every part of their life. But it is something I want to release and have asked for divine help with as it's not something I can just give up. I need a little help.

Back to the "from love" conundrum, I still haven't figured out how to respond to those two situations from a love standpoint, but I will keep working on it. And I know the angels and the divine will help remove my blocks.

Onward and upward.

Namaste

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