Day 37 of #40days of meditation
Well, Day 36 was interesting.
All day long I felt uneasy and malcontent. Late afternoon, I realized I hadn't felt the tingling in my third eye all day. So I tried to meditate, using my grounding+chakra balancing guided meditation, but it wasn't working. So I did a few other things and went back to do it again. I still had difficulty. I could feel the slight tingle but it wasn't nearly as strong as I've gotten used to over the last week or so.
I guess my being uneasy & overwrought all day exploded mid-talk with my angel. See, yesterday morning I was beginning to read a book by Dr. Joe Dispenza. And he made a comment about how we make the internal changes so that our external world changes and that there's no other reason to do it. And that kept pecking at me all day. I kept thinking - I feel better. I have an open heart. I'm happier. I'm more joyful. And yet.... Where are my big goals?
And suddenly a huge wash of shame and guilt and "I'm not worthy" swamped me as if I had been tossed into a deep pool of it. I jerked out of my meditation and went through anger and shame and fury and a huge cocktail of negative emotions.
However... and this is the part that occurred to me this morning. It lasted but a very short while. In the past, when "Im not worthy" came up, it would pull me down and I'd be unable to move and cry for hours and hours and hours. It lasted maybe 3-5 minutes. I took a page from Marianne Williamson's and Louise Hay's books and beat the anger out. I took my pillow and slammed it onto my bed until that anger had been spent. Then I began to pace and talk it out.
My main fear is this: Man-made religion is shit. It lies. It says "You have to do this, this, and this and ONLY if you do it perfectly will you get 'this' in the end." And then they append, "And if you don't get 'this', never worry, you'll be rewarded in the next life." I had this spouted at me my entire childhood. It still slightly pisses me off that people destroy others' spirituality in this manner.
So, if metaphysics says "if your inner world changes then your outer world HAS to change to match it" and my inner world has been changing for years - drastically for the last three and tremendously over the last 37 days - and my outer world is the exact same it was 5 years ago, then is this just another men-made religion?
And that bothers me. Bothers me with a huge B!
So in my talking things out, I recognized that I cannot stop this because I don't want to. I LOVE feeling so good and so positive and so happy and so on top of the world most of the time. But I do need my external world to match my internal one. Because I do not belong here. Not when I mentally live in a much better space.
Later last night, I went back into meditation and I did not use the guided one. Instead, I did it all mentally and usually during my angel meditation, the angel takes awhile to appear. I had barely gone into it and my angel was not only waiting for me, he wrapped his arms around me. In fact, as I was going into the meditation, I realized the ringing was in my ears again - I hadn't heard it since I began talking with the angels. It symbolizes that they are here and they want to talk to me. And by that ringing, they must have been trying to get through to me but because of the "I'm not worthy" issue, I had blocked everything - all interaction with the divine. It was quite unconscious - more of a protection I've carried since I was a child. But I did reopen. And that's the part I'm happy about. I'm not sticking to old patterns, even when they assert themselves, the new me takes over relatively quickly.
This morning I woke up to a memory I had pushed down so far I had forgotten it. It happened when I was 22/23. I was living in an apartment at the time with 3 other girls. One of them had a boyfriend who stayed over often. I thought we got along well. Until the day I walked out into the living room and suddenly he grabbed me and slammed me against the wall. For no reason at all. My roommate laughed. The pictures I had on the walls dropped and the glass busted. And I couldn't move or speak. I have no idea what would have happened next if our other roommates hadn't come into the living room. The two of them went back to her bedroom and that's all I remember. I can only assume that memory has come up to be cleared so I will do so. But ugh. What a horrible memory and I can still feel the shock as my body and head slammed into the wall. The fear. The terror. And the inability to defend myself.
So where do I go from here? I will concentrate on my internal self, but I am also on search for the key to making my outer world match my inner reality. I'm going to keep working on recognizing intuition when it strikes. But I'm not buying into the religious shit.
I will not trust the phrase "It is coming." I will not trust the "if you just keep with it" and I will not accept "you must have more stuff to clear". Not anymore. Everyone has stuff they need to get rid of. We do not need to be perfect to attain our goals. If we did, nobody would ever do it.
I am creation. I create my own life. I've seen my reality change in the blink of an eye. And it's more than time that I found the key to making it happen.
I will work with my angels and guides and I will keep my chakras open and my heart space open. I will continue to learn and focus on the inner me. But I will also find the missing piece so that my outer world fits my inner reality.
Namaste
All day long I felt uneasy and malcontent. Late afternoon, I realized I hadn't felt the tingling in my third eye all day. So I tried to meditate, using my grounding+chakra balancing guided meditation, but it wasn't working. So I did a few other things and went back to do it again. I still had difficulty. I could feel the slight tingle but it wasn't nearly as strong as I've gotten used to over the last week or so.
I guess my being uneasy & overwrought all day exploded mid-talk with my angel. See, yesterday morning I was beginning to read a book by Dr. Joe Dispenza. And he made a comment about how we make the internal changes so that our external world changes and that there's no other reason to do it. And that kept pecking at me all day. I kept thinking - I feel better. I have an open heart. I'm happier. I'm more joyful. And yet.... Where are my big goals?
And suddenly a huge wash of shame and guilt and "I'm not worthy" swamped me as if I had been tossed into a deep pool of it. I jerked out of my meditation and went through anger and shame and fury and a huge cocktail of negative emotions.
However... and this is the part that occurred to me this morning. It lasted but a very short while. In the past, when "Im not worthy" came up, it would pull me down and I'd be unable to move and cry for hours and hours and hours. It lasted maybe 3-5 minutes. I took a page from Marianne Williamson's and Louise Hay's books and beat the anger out. I took my pillow and slammed it onto my bed until that anger had been spent. Then I began to pace and talk it out.
My main fear is this: Man-made religion is shit. It lies. It says "You have to do this, this, and this and ONLY if you do it perfectly will you get 'this' in the end." And then they append, "And if you don't get 'this', never worry, you'll be rewarded in the next life." I had this spouted at me my entire childhood. It still slightly pisses me off that people destroy others' spirituality in this manner.
So, if metaphysics says "if your inner world changes then your outer world HAS to change to match it" and my inner world has been changing for years - drastically for the last three and tremendously over the last 37 days - and my outer world is the exact same it was 5 years ago, then is this just another men-made religion?
And that bothers me. Bothers me with a huge B!
So in my talking things out, I recognized that I cannot stop this because I don't want to. I LOVE feeling so good and so positive and so happy and so on top of the world most of the time. But I do need my external world to match my internal one. Because I do not belong here. Not when I mentally live in a much better space.
Later last night, I went back into meditation and I did not use the guided one. Instead, I did it all mentally and usually during my angel meditation, the angel takes awhile to appear. I had barely gone into it and my angel was not only waiting for me, he wrapped his arms around me. In fact, as I was going into the meditation, I realized the ringing was in my ears again - I hadn't heard it since I began talking with the angels. It symbolizes that they are here and they want to talk to me. And by that ringing, they must have been trying to get through to me but because of the "I'm not worthy" issue, I had blocked everything - all interaction with the divine. It was quite unconscious - more of a protection I've carried since I was a child. But I did reopen. And that's the part I'm happy about. I'm not sticking to old patterns, even when they assert themselves, the new me takes over relatively quickly.
This morning I woke up to a memory I had pushed down so far I had forgotten it. It happened when I was 22/23. I was living in an apartment at the time with 3 other girls. One of them had a boyfriend who stayed over often. I thought we got along well. Until the day I walked out into the living room and suddenly he grabbed me and slammed me against the wall. For no reason at all. My roommate laughed. The pictures I had on the walls dropped and the glass busted. And I couldn't move or speak. I have no idea what would have happened next if our other roommates hadn't come into the living room. The two of them went back to her bedroom and that's all I remember. I can only assume that memory has come up to be cleared so I will do so. But ugh. What a horrible memory and I can still feel the shock as my body and head slammed into the wall. The fear. The terror. And the inability to defend myself.
So where do I go from here? I will concentrate on my internal self, but I am also on search for the key to making my outer world match my inner reality. I'm going to keep working on recognizing intuition when it strikes. But I'm not buying into the religious shit.
I will not trust the phrase "It is coming." I will not trust the "if you just keep with it" and I will not accept "you must have more stuff to clear". Not anymore. Everyone has stuff they need to get rid of. We do not need to be perfect to attain our goals. If we did, nobody would ever do it.
I am creation. I create my own life. I've seen my reality change in the blink of an eye. And it's more than time that I found the key to making it happen.
I will work with my angels and guides and I will keep my chakras open and my heart space open. I will continue to learn and focus on the inner me. But I will also find the missing piece so that my outer world fits my inner reality.
Namaste
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